I think we are miscarrying.


I think we are miscarrying and I’m heart broken.
Yesterday I got out of bed and started heavily bleeding with cramping. I gasped when I first saw it.
And I feel like we’ve been in slo-mo ever since.
The cramping only got more intense.
I ended up going to my doctor soon after the kids went to school.
Luckily Ben was able to cancel his two morning meetings and be there “nearby”…
he played with Asher in the outside lobby.
Grateful that he was there and the first face I could look at when I left the doctor’s office.
I shook my head when I came out and just buried my head on his chest
as Asher tried to mooch my head.
They told me to prepare for the worst. We will retake my levels on Wednesday and if they drop…
that means miscarriage.
if they go up… we keep moving forward and try
and figure out where the bleeding is coming from.

I went home feeling like it wasn’t real.
I wanted to just crawl back into bed and pretend like this wasn’t happening. Start the day over.
Trying so hard to have peace and just trust in God.
Praying that somehow our baby will be ok.
The kids came home from school yesterday and of course talked about baby.
“How was the baby’s day in your belly mom??”
“can we print out a photo to give my teacher of the baby?”
My heart just wanted to burst. This baby is so loved. so wanted.
I had a very early miscarriage in October. it was so early I didn’t even bleed.
In a way it felt like it didn’t happen because we didn’t even tell the kids.
A few days ago Ben said he felt like we should tell the kids about that loss and
explain it to them and name the angel baby together.
We chose to tell everyone right away with this pregnancy.
We wanted to celebrate this life out loud. No matter what happened.

The baby is just a month or so old (4-5 weeks)
A part of me feels like I shouldn’t be so emotional because others have lost babies
way further along. I know that doesn’t make sense.
but it’s just on my heart.
At four weeks your heart is beating… your eyes and ears are forming..
Five weeks your arms and legs and face appear…
I can picture this baby. It being a part of our family.
Will it be the red head? curly and blonde like sophia and Micah?
or dark and straight like Sienna and Asher?
Is it a boy or girl?
I’ve gone through all of it. As soon as we found out we were in love.
And we were giddy over the moment we would see he or she face to face.
I was freaking out over having 5 kids and wondering if I was going to be
a good enough mom! But we were in love and just like with our others
we knew we couldn’t imagine life without them.

The heavy bleeding and the dull to sharp cramping is
a constant reminder of what might be happening.

I feel like I can’t take a full breath.

and that anyone who looks at me can see me feel broken.

like I’m see through.

I find myself wiping my puffy eyes and
without even thinking about it
holding my bloated tummy.

I’m holding tight to my kids right now. and my husband.
He is so amazing. I can tell he is trying to be strong for me because he sees how sad I am.
But I asked him how he was doing and he said
he cried but for some reason he feels like our baby is ok.
He spoke amazing words. spirit filled words to me in the car ride home from the hospital.
“Either way we have a baby…
either to care for on earth…
or who will take care of us from heaven.
Our goal as parents is to get our kids to heaven… we have to remember that.”
I know all this. and I am trying so hard to view it like this.

I’ve been so blown away by  all the Instagram and Facebook
comments of prayers and also hearing your stories…
so many women who have experienced miscarriages! Or scary moments like this
of bleeding and cramping but then having a healthy baby.
20% of pregnancies end in miscarriage?! Isn’t that crazy?
So many women go through this. I feel like if I didn’t talk about it I would just burst.
I can’t imagine not sharing. even if no one cared or responded.
I just need to write down into the world what we are experiencing.
I hope that other moms who have gone through this find
a spot through my blog or social media to put into
words what they went through. It is important. it is painful. but it’s real.

A friend brought us dinner last night and I’m so grateful.
The first thing Micah said to her was, “mommy has a baby!”
I smiled at him as he bounced around thanking her for this meal.
She just hugged me up to let me cry.
These sweet kids at my feet don’t know all the details yet.
We are waiting to know more information before we say anything.
I’m sad to even think about having to tell them. But they are stronger than we know.
They even get eternity  more than we do sometimes.
I feel like they aren’t as attached to this world and want heaven.
When they get home today I’m going to ask them to pray with me for our baby.
Because even though they don’t have to know everything right now…
they have powerful prayers.
Children have powerful prayers.

I BELIEVE in the power of prayer.
I know I have prayer warriors that follow me on here.
So I beg you to pray for our little one.
That someone he or she will be ok when we go back tomorrow.
I feel like life is on hold until then.

We can’t thank you enough for the prayers and kindness. I feel so embraced by all of you.
Last night I woke up around 1:30 to go get Asher back down.
(He’s decided to not sleep straight through the night lately.)
As I was getting out of bed Ben half asleep told me, Emily posted and asked for prayers for you.
I cried. I saw the comments and cried.
Ben just rubbed my hand as I buried my face in my other hand.
Thankful for people taking the time to pray
and console someone they didn’t even know.
So many of them knew the pain because they had experienced it as well.
The unknowing… the waiting… the bleeding and feeling like your body is
doing something wrong and you wish you could make it be ok.

I’m trying to trust. and be distracted while we wait.
I can’t thank you all enough.
I feel like I could crumble right now but God gives us strength.
Clinging to Him.
at-home-with-natalie-family

 


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  • Brienne
    January 10, 2017 at 12:52 pm

    I have five here but more with Jesus. Before our number five my husband dug a hole for our tiny one that was the farthest along that I had ever lost and we still prayed for more no matter what. Then we were pregnant again, and I had lots of problems, so many that it was a miracle that she came. We spent weeks in the NICU, then horribly the entire Autumn in the PICU because pneumonia almost took her twice.
    And now we are here still, and its been a journey because I know what it’s like to lose baby after baby and to wait and try again and again.
    Its hard.

  • MandyB
    January 10, 2017 at 1:01 pm

    Natalie, I am praying for you. Ever since I saw your instagram last night, I have been thinking about you. I don’t even know you, but I feel like I do through your blog. Have you had an ultrasound? I had a subchorionic hematoma in my uterus at 12 weeks that caused the same symptoms. It did eventually go away. Thoughts, prayers, and virtual hugs. <3

  • Erin Ressler
    January 10, 2017 at 1:13 pm

    Oh, Natalie, I am so sorry you are going through this. I am praying for you. Your husbands words of “our main goal is to get our kids to heaven” hit me like a ton of bricks. That is so unbelievably true and right now, just focus on that. God is good all the time, even when we can’t see it. Again, I am praying.

  • Sadie
    January 10, 2017 at 1:14 pm

    Praying for you, Natalie!! I haven’t been on this road personally, but some dear friends have. My heart hurts for you~
    Jesus, cover Natalie & her baby right now. Protect these children of yours. Bless them. Hold them. Give them strength & peace. In Jesus Name!

  • Leslie
    January 10, 2017 at 2:42 pm

    Praying for you. Crying for you. You’re already helping others just by sharing your story. To let others know they’re not alone. I’ve been in a similar “waiting game” with the doctors checking my levels every 2 days and I know exactly how you feel. It’s excruciating. Then you feel guilty for not having more faith and letting God comfort you. Imagine how He feels, being unable to comfort His children. 💕

  • Jenny
    January 10, 2017 at 4:20 pm

    Praying for you Natalie. Your words are powerful, and I know they will be balm to someone’s soul who finds them when they are googling and crying out in pain with maybe nobody to relate to or to share their burden with. Asking Fr. Scanlan to intercede for your little one!

  • Amy
    January 10, 2017 at 4:52 pm

    I had two miscarriages prior to my last pregnancy. When I found out I was pregnant after that, I almost immediately started feeling the same way i did when I miscarried before. We had a twelve hour road trip to get home before I could go in to the doc, and I just knew I was miscarrying. Cramps all the way home. Long story short, yes I was having cramping and bleeding, but I was also having twins. They are happy healthy babies. There is hope. Hugs and prayers for you.

  • Maya
    January 10, 2017 at 6:12 pm

    My heart is broken for you, Natalie. I am praying so so very much for you. I don’t know you and just came across your instagram yesterday after Emily’s post. But I feel your pain, I have been there, and I know it all too well. The pain and fear of the unknown is so real, so raw….It is hopes and dreams for your baby being crushed in the matter of moments. I lost my first child at 4 months pregnant. It doesn’t matter how small, it doesn’t matter how far along you are… a baby is a baby, is a life, your life. I am in tears with you, dear friend. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for being so brave, so open, and for pouring your heart out to something so painful that most people never talk about. Very few understand the pain of losing a child in the womb, unless they have been through it themselves. The waiting is so painful…the fear of the unknown…not knowing what will happen tomorrow. I have been there and I just want you to know that we are praying so much for you. You are loved by thousands of woman who feel your pain. I am praying for a miracle. God has you in the palm of His hands…He has your baby in the palm of His hands. God bless you for your courage. <3

  • Kristen
    January 10, 2017 at 6:51 pm

    I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It’s so scary and it’s so unfair. I wish this kind of thing didn’t ever have to happen, to anyone. Parents shouldn’t have to say goodbye to their babies…

    I have 5 babies, 3 in my arms and two in heaven, so I share your heartbreak. My first loss was in 2012 and it was early. And I was devastated. It took me a really long time to heal from that loss, and it wasn’t until the birth of my son two years later that I did. Then when we turned one we fell pregnant again! We were so excited. But unfortunately in July at 16 weeks there was no heartbeat and I had to deliver our sweet girl into the arms of Jesus. It makes no sense. It’s so unfair. I was so angry and shattered. And I will never be the same…

    It doesn’t matter if you’re 4 weeks or full term, that’s your baby. But I understand all too well the things we tell ourselves. I did it too. I tried to tell myself I had no right to be sad…I should be grateful I had three living kids when others try so hard and never have any. It’s greedy of me to want more… some people don’t even recognize her as a life yet… others have lost their babies even farther along than me… But those are all lies. We are entitled..YOU are entitled to your pain. It’s very real and your baby was very real and very loved.

    I don’t know what lies ahead. I wish I could offer some words of hope and encouragement to you. This road you’re on is scary and dark and it feels so lonely. But just remember you aren’t alone. Reach out your hand and you’ll find so many women ready to grab ahold of you and not let go. And…God. He has shown Himself so big and so beautiful to me over these past 6 months. He is so gracious, so loving and so, so good. Throw yourself at His feet and let Him carry you. I’ll be praying for and your sweet baby. ((Hugs))

  • Dominique
    January 10, 2017 at 7:01 pm

    Thank you for sharing your story. Thinking of you and your family and sending lots of positive thoughts and prayers your way. Hugs to you💕

  • Kristina Proffitt
    January 10, 2017 at 7:16 pm

    Praying for you, friend! Just some hopeful words for you – I thought I was miscarrying my third son, Luke. I had heavy bleeding as well (that came out of nowhere) and they couldn’t really explain it. They, too, told me to expect the worst and thought I was miscarrying, but I went home and my pregnancy continued on and now I have a super sweet three-year-old. God is bigger than what the doctors say and I will pray for you and that you have the same outcome that I did. I know it’s hard to go home and just “wait” to see what happens. Clinging to the Lord WILL get you through it no matter what the outcome. So thankful you have Him. Love to you! <3

  • Angie
    January 10, 2017 at 7:24 pm

    Thank you for being a brave voice for families who have or are experiencing a similar circumstance. So many women are afraid to share their pregnancy news too soon in case of losing the baby, but miscarriage needs a voice and women need to understand how incredibly common it is and to share in each other’s experiences as we grieve what we had and mourn the loss of what could have been. I have personally had an early miscarriage, and also bled in early pregnancy to eventually go on and carry my baby to term. I pray that this chapter doesn’t end in miscarriage for you, and if it does, I pray that God will use this for His glory.

  • Ashlee
    January 10, 2017 at 7:41 pm

    “Our goal as parents is to get our kids to heaven…” Such beautiful, true words. I am praying for you. Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.
    II Corinthians 1:3‭-‬4

  • Belinda
    January 10, 2017 at 8:40 pm

    My thoughts are with you all. Xxxxxx

  • Karen Ward
    January 11, 2017 at 11:26 am

    I’m praying for your sweet baby and you and your family. I’m believing that he or she will be a miracle baby!

  • Lisa Cowen
    January 11, 2017 at 12:27 pm

    My heart is hurting for you today Natalie, we often do not understand why we have to suffer in these ways, try to stay faithful and trust in gods plan. Know your community is holding you close today. Sending all my prayers, love and light.

  • Renee | Mulling Over My Morning Coffee: A Faith-Based Blog
    January 16, 2017 at 2:29 pm

    So sorry to hear this unexpected news. I pray you get uplifting news soon! Expressing your news to others takes a lot of courage, but there is also a lot of freedom in sharing, so thank you so much. Children are such a delight, and even though we don’t understand why God allows somethings to happen, we know it is for our good and his ultimate glory. Keep bringing him glory through your posts and through the way you and your family lead your lives. it’s really impacting those around you ❤

  • Jen
    January 22, 2017 at 2:51 am

    Thank you so much for sharing. I’m so sorry about your miscarriages. It’s just so sad. This weekend is the 5th anniversary of my 3rd miscarriage. We are going out for lunch to remember that baby. It hurts that there is no physical stamp left of my babies on earth. i feel I owe it to them to do something to remember them every year on their birth/death day. Lots of people don’t understand that I like to keep this weekend quiet and not really see anyone except my husband and children. They think I should move on. But I feel like this is a place where people would understand! Thank you for cultivating a space where we can share our feelings! I’m praying for you as you get through this. It gets easier but always stays with you. Lots of love. Jen Xx