Life Update

I’ve been overdue for a life update. Recently, my life changed forever. And honestly… I froze when it came to blogging and showing up in this space.

All my energy was going into my kids and surviving.

One day I will tell my full story.
Today cannot be that day.
But my life experience is not for anyone else to silence.

I am so grateful for the community that I’ve found here online, it’s one that I do not take for granted. It made it possible for me to raise my babies and still make an income. It helped me through the loss of my best friend, postpartum anxiety and my miscarriages. 

A constant I found, when sharing those sufferings here, was that I was not alone. 

I know that with this experience, I am also, sadly…not alone. It is all too common.

But many women feel isolated through it. Our silence is a huge part of why that is. And I’m determined to not be a part of that pattern.

One day I will share more, when the time is right, because sometimes really horrible things happen to you, and the only way through it is to try and see how you can be used to help others going through that too. I feel that to my core.

Can I be honest with you? I don’t know if I still believe in marriage. Maybe time will change that but it’s hard to imagine. Trust feels impossible. The walls are up. Even my faith and relationship with God have been so badly affected. It’s so sad how things can ripple into all corners of your life. I know it’s going to be a long road to heal but the first step was acknowledging my reality. You can’t move forward if you stay stuck and hidden away in the dark because facing reality is too painful. I’m so glad I found the strength to take action on knowing my worth…and setting those first boundaries. That was the turning point to real healing – not just band aids. 

Being alone and a mom to 6 kids is not how I pictured my life… it’s not what I wanted for my kids. But I’ve grown stronger every day. That gives me hope. Because looking back, to where I am now, I have seen so much healing and growth. I only hope this time next year I am in an even better place.

Since it’s been so long….I thought I would do a little photo dump of me and my crew.

It blows my mind how much the kids have grown up. Suddenly I have no babies. It’s all big kids! Sophia is an adult next month! I know some of you have been here since those early girl mom days and are probably confused with how that is even possible – since as moms we all haven’t aged… ;) haha. Time is weird.

Not all of my life has turned out the way I hoped and dreamed as a little girl…
but one thing has…these amazing kids.
I always wanted to be a mom. And no matter what I had to go through to have them in my life, I would do it a million times over if it meant I have them. They are my world.

There are plenty of really hard days, but I feel a spark, and I’m holding onto that. I’m locked in on creating a life of joy and safety for my people – so grateful for the moments of happiness and peace we have had this summer.

*****Scroll to bottom…. if you have found yourself in a similar spot as me- on your own.
I’m here for you. And if you aren’t going through a hard season like this, please take a minute to pray for these women if you pray. If you know someone in real life that’s struggling – reach out. It’s such an isolating and hard burden to carry and so often women try to do it alone. I know first hand. But we are meant for community and support can make all the difference in changing the trajectory of someone’s life.

I don’t know what is in the air right now but my DM’s are full of women where I once was.  So this is for you, if you were meeting me at Starbucks for a coffee and trauma dump this is what I would tell you.

The truth didn’t ruin your life – it saved you from a lie.

Stop being considerate in situations where you are not being considered.

Set the boundaries and then trust the behavior over words – always. 

Just get through today – that’s enough.

The intensity you feel right now – WILL soften. (I didn’t believe them either but they were right!)

One day it will be easier to find joy – even in the hard season- I’m living that.

It’s the gratitude, for what you are no longer experiencing, that gives you that lightness again. You will get there. 

It will never be fair – but you are stronger than you think. And your people need you. Do it scared, do it tired, do it hurting- for them.

Don’t isolate- you need support. Lean on your community. Join a therapy group and lean on strangers if you have to. They won’t stay strangers! (CLT friends: @thehavencounseling )

Let yourself feel what you need to feel. Some days are harder.

Don’t minimize your hurt or explain it away to try to make sense of how someone could do something. You don’t understand it because you would never do that. But you know enough. And when you say it out loud- it is as bad as you feel it is. You have to face it to heal… not stuff it down to keep the “peace” or norm. It’s scary.. but you are strong. 

Overthink the good in your life. It’s there, we just sometimes miss it when things feel heavy or sad.

Accounts that encouraged, helped and healed me:
@btr.org_ 
@h.e.l.e.n.m.a.r.i.e 
@twfo_couple 
@betsypake
@drjakeporter
@thesabrinasotoshow
@yourcourageouscomeback
@ellelouisemcbride
@healingher_podcast
@nataliecastle
@herpathtopower.co
@talkingwithtesa
@tashawndragovan 
@iamclairejones
@trustgodbro